


Chaldea Nonsense

by Myzo



Category: Fate/Grand Order
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - Western, Comfort, Cowboys & Cowgirls, Cuddles, Drabble Collection, Fluff, Fluff and Crack, Fluff and Humor, Gen, Intoxication, Kinda, Party, Self-Indulgent, Self-Insert
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-21
Updated: 2019-09-06
Packaged: 2020-09-23 08:04:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,095
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20336833
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Myzo/pseuds/Myzo
Summary: A collection of dumb headcanons and drabbles. None of this will be serious and I'll probably keep this sfw and light hearted.Suggestions and prompts welcome!





	1. Cowgirl Medb

**Author's Note:**

> I think this started because I said Medb would like the song "That Don't Impress Me Much" by Shania Twain, which then naturally lead to "Medb likes country music" and edb would totally want to be a cowgirl"
> 
> I warned you this would be stupid

Cowgirl Medb 

  * Goes to visit America to see what is like after the singularity and finds herself visiting a ranch down south 
  * At first just things the clothes are cute (adjusts her spirit origin so she's walking around Chaldea in cowboy boots, daisy dukes, and a plaid shirt knotted at the front. Wears a big hat but balances her crown on the front, similar to warden Medb) but then gets super into it.
  * You're not entirely sure she knows what being a cowgirl entails but she starts watching spaghetti westerns and trying to mimick the slang as "research". It's pretty awful. 
  * She loves the idea of a lone ranger who doesn't listen to rules and tries to justify being bratty by saying "she follows her own law now"
  * If you greet her by saying Howdy her face will light up 
  * Due to her class, picks up horse riding straight away. She also loves breaking in wild horses, she has the stamina for it and loves making things submit to her. 
  * Doesn't actually do any work on the ranch, she just shows up and rides around uninvited. The people who live locally just roll with the fact some mad lady comes and goes and it's pretty funny her trying to use Texan slang with her thick Irish accent.
  * She can actually help as she pulls in crowds whenever there's a county fair with her riding and dressage showcases. Plus it's worth having her around whenever they get a particular stubborn horse to break in, she seems impossible to buck off and she's surprisingly strong for her small frame.
  * Insists on playing country music in her room super loud. 
  * Eventually gets bored with playing cowgirl and goes back to her chariot, but will still visit the ranch to feed her favourite horses treats.


	2. Cocktail party with the ladies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I was thinking of cutesy girls night in scenarios but I watched the episode of friends where the girls stay in and drunk Tiki Death Punch and got distracted

Cocktail party with the ladies

  * Marie learns about "girls night in" where everyone wears cosy clothes and brings their own drinks and manages too somehow persuade half the women into joining in.
  * Helena is turned away because no one believes she's old enough to drink, she huffs and says something about "respecting elders" as she leaves. 
  * Carmilla brings a suspiciously dark concoction she claims is sangria. 
  * When you ask what alcohol is in it she winks and says "it's virgin"
  * No one else dares to try any and she ends up polishing off the whole bottle herself with a crazy straw.
  * Marie herself has arranged a selection of wines complete with compatible appetisers and biscuits to use as palette cleansers. 
  * Nitocris brings Egyptian beer. She says she can't remember what year it was when she rayshifted to get it but it was buried in the same place so it's still fine right? 
  * Predictably, it's ridiculously over-fermented. Cue Medjeds running around with lampshades on their heads and falling over. 
  * Drake kicks open the door with a cask of rum and presents an open invitation to a drinking contest. 
  * Altera accepts, not wanting to be bested by the pirate.
  * It's not particularly clear what scoring system they're using. Drake is enjoying herself and tries to start a singalong of sea shanties, no one else knows the words but she's singing too loudly to notice. 
  * Altera gets drunk and confused about her identity, constantly reintroducing herself as "Wyatt Earp" or "Buffalo Bill"
  * Altera will pour shots for her and Drake and yell "DRAW!" whenever she's in one of these moods. 
  * Nobu brings sake and she sits in a corner with done of the other Japanese servants, and Jaguar Warrior for since reason? They're very loud but otherwise keep out of trouble. 
  * Mordred challenges Artoria to a drinking contest. When she declines, Mo spends the rest of the night bragging about how the mighty King is afraid to take her on. 
  * That is until Artoria locks eyes with her and downs half a bottle of vodka. 
  * Mordred is directors, for once. 
  * In actuality, it turns out Avalon's healing factor helps her metabolize toxins super fast. She just doesn't like the tastes of spirits as much. 
  * Artoria enjoys listening to Marie tell her about wine pairings and trying snacks the rest of the evening. 
  * Hell breaks loose when Shuten-doji shows up. Completely inhibition free there's a mix of heartfelt confessions, challenges issued and just plain strangeness.
  * Nitocris is in tears telling Cleopatra how much she respects her and how she'll never be as great a pharaoh. Cleopatra pumps her up by yelling "WHO ARE YOU? YOU'RE THE QUEEN OF THE UNDERWORLD!" over and over.
  * Marie is slumped over a beanbag humming "La Marseillaise" to herself. 
  * Mordred challenges everyone to strength contests, ending with Quetzalcoatl body slamming her through a table. 
  * Eventually Nightengale, hearing all the commotion, comes by and debuff cleanses the room, removing everyone's intoxication. 
  * "Of course I bought alcohol," she says, holding up an industrial sized bottle of rubbing alcohol. "Cleanliness is key."


	3. Even bad days are better with you (Diarmuid)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Diarmuid gives you love and cuddles when you're struggling

It was a bad day. You had tried to do some work around the house, but felt your vision going blurry and your knees going weak, and collapsed back onto the couch where you had been lying staring at the ceiling for… You weren't even sure how long. 

"Honey?" 

Was that Diarmuid? You were so out of it that hadn't even heard him come home. You rub your eyes and turn towards his voice, his face shakily comes into view as you try to focus on him. You feel his hand on your face, his thumb stroking your cheek gently. You nuzzled you hand against your cheek. It was good to feel like you were real, that you had tangible, solid flesh he could touch, that you weren't about to fade away. 

"I'm here, my love, you're okay. Are you hurt? Did you fall?" 

You shake your head. You weren't hurt, just finding it hard to move. He moves closer to you, gently lifting you in his strong arms and cradling you close to his body. 

"Let's go to bed, hmm?" 

You curl up against him, nuzzling into the crook of his neck. He smells like home. He lies you down in the bed gently, arranging your pillows and blanket so you're nice and cosy. 

"Want me to stay with you a while?" 

You nod and he climbs into bed next to you, laughing gently as you scoot over to him in your nest of blankets and snuggle up to him. He wraps his arms around you again, kissing the top of your head as you wiggle around to get comfy. 

"Diar?" You murmur

"Yes, honey?" 

"I love you."

"I love you too, sweetheart." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is super soft indulgent because I had s terrible mental health day and Diarmuid is servant of the month on my friends' discord server 💖  
Projecting a lot but I hope someone else can enjoy it too ^^


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